SAKA: HOW LONG WILL YOU BE A SALARY-EARNER? ARE YOU A LEARNER? (2)

“To build a Home like Rome is not a day’s job, but a daily job. Life is a process not a recess. Start anywhere to get somewhere. Until you move, nothing will move.” –O.J.O

‘Kayode Oyero

grrrrhhnnn, grrrrhhnnn!

“Hello Uncle Saka, good morning Sir!”

“Hahaa!Fatai, it is you, good morning. I did not check to see who was calling before I pick up the call. But at the sound of your voice, I knew it is you. How are you? How is the weather- bawo lafereyii?”

“I’m fine Sir! Thank you so much Sir for the previous week’s tutelage.”

“A ba, Fatai! Ko tope- don’t mention. Awa fun raw a ni- we’re each other’s Keeper. After all, our people will say: Agbaki n walojak’oriOmotuntunwo- the young must never go wrong under the korokoro watch of the Elderly! It is an impossican’t of the impossible!”

“Very thoughtfully intelligent of you Sir!Egbon, I must confess on behalf of the entire family that we are proud to have you, not only as our Olori Ebi- family head but also as our Solomon!”

“Haahaha! Fatai! O get ee pa! Your commendation is a reminder of my eventful exuberant youthful years when I had a lot and a lot of women  at my beck and call. You know Oyinbo skin is irresistibly a source of attraction on its own!”

“Uncle, I know you had and is still having a lion fair share of women, but that’s not my point. My point is that the family is humble to have a Sage of your age!”

“Okay, Fatai! Now I understand you better. You know ‘ela l'oro’- clarity of expression is paramount in communication. And you know there are a lot of difference between Ogun- god of thunder; Ogun- charm and amulet; Ogun- twenty; Ogun- war and Ogun- as in Ogun State of Obasanjo!”

“You’re rightly correct in your language analysis Sir! In fact, every moment spend with you is always a lesson.”

“No be me Fatai, Na Baba God! And I hope you’re thinking to quickly do something on what I told you last week Monday. You know in life, if you don’t move, nothing will move in your desired direction. You see, it is important for somebody to give attention to his intentions so that when he speaks, the whole world will stand at attention.”

“Yes Uncle Saka! I’ve conceived a business idea and have also drawn out a business plan. Not only that I have also started doing some feasibility studies to test the reality of my concept and what the society lack and need that they will be willing to pay for should I provide such need.”

“That’s actively pro-active of you Fatai! I am becoming proud of you! You are not only a hearer but a Doer of the word. But, wait, let me ask you a question before we get deeper into the depth of our discussion. You know we’re getting engross.”

“Alright Sir!”

“Did your network provider credit your account with bonus airtime?”

“Rara Sa- no Sir! I’m on family and friends; it’s a less-costly call package. The rate is ten Kobo per seconds.Many thanks to y’hello mtn!”

“That is delightful for my ear to hear! Fatai, you’re becoming a good student in the school of financial intelligence! Okay!if that is the case, let us kia kai quickly continue our discussion. Delay is a waste, you know even the ten Koo per seconds is money.”

“Okay Sir! I said I now have a business plan and have commenced my feasibility studies. The business I’m eyeing is one I have flair for. Like you had advised that I should turn my passion to my profession so that I will have mansions.”

“Yes, moranti- I remember. Wait, Fatai, sorry for interrupting you, because I must quickly chip in this that most people don’t find their occupation interesting basically because it is not their hobby. So as a result, their performance is always under-average and this gives birth to under-utilization of productive capacity. You see, when you have passion which is the inner drive and natural likeness for something, you’ll definitely succeed at it. No be with gra-gra, but with effortless ease. Make your recreational devotion your vocation; your vision your profession!”

“I don’t really get that last line Sir!”

“I mean do for a living what you do as a hobby! Chikena!”

“Agboye Egbon Saka! You are well understood Sir!”

“You see, Fatai, just as I was saying, Job utility which is also known as job satisfaction is maximally derived and enjoyed to the fullest while doing a passion-driven job. While futility, in this case, not financial barrenness, but, job dissatisfaction is a sure outcome for anyone who settles for an income-motivated means of living. This is because, when the turf gets rough, tough and curve, and frustration sets in, it is passion which is an internal stimuli that will help keep one going. And by consequence overpower the inevitable external thunderstorm of the business expanse.”

“Uncle Saka, small small, your grammar of expression is getting complex beyond my comprehension. You know I’m not as professorial as you are.”

“Fatai, you make me laugh. You know I’m always hotter than fire, anytime I have a fire of informative knowledge burning inside this my flat stomach. And to spit them out, I always like to use all the collection of big-big vocabulary in my mentally mobile dictionary.”

“Yes, that I know very well that you attended the same school with the former Nigeria’s Wole Soyinka in the house of representative. I’m talking of a person of Honourable Patrick Obiaghon himself!”

“Fatai!Isokuso wo ni mo gbo pe o wi yen- what did I just hear you say? I mean what did I just hear you say with my one and half ears?”

“E ma binu Sa- Apologies Sir! That was meant to be a complement and not an insult Sir!”

“Gbe enu E s’ohun- bury your mouth in shame. I refuse to be confused this early mormor. I don’t even know what is the problem with you children of nowadays? You poke the Elderly in the face too much. I will have tell you to kneel down on the phone if not because of the proverb that says Agbati O binul omo E n po- leadership is all about tolerance. And a good leader must not be swift to anger because the wages of rage is damage- Ibinu ko dahun kokan fun ni, Suuru baba Iwa. Agba to ni suuru, ohun gbogbo loni."

“I’m sorry once again Sir!”

“Si o, owa lara! Ko kuku sibi ti mofe da E si-one cannot behead himself because of headache! Fatai, any ways, before I forget, when do you want to start your self-business?”

“Uncle Saka! That is the challenge at hand! You know everything revolves round money. And as I had confessed before your able lordship last week that I was a fool because I lavished my entirety life-time savings to mark my golden jubilee birthday last April.”

“Eeehhn, Fatai, that was gone. That one is in the past. The past is meant for the past and not to be escavated in the present but to remain in the burial ground of the past!”

“Eeehhhmm Uncle, what I’m actually saying is that I presently lack the financial muscle to spearhead the business now. Not that I don’t have any money at all, but it is not a handsome sum.”

“Ogbeni Fatai, why do you want to start when you have handsome sum? Don’t you know you can harvest big outcome if only you start with that your small income?”

“Uncle Saka, I know. It is just that, just that I was thinking if I can..if you can, can……”

“Fata! Stop! Don’t even complete it because I know where you are going. See, the will to do come from the knowledge that we can do.A strong person cannot help a weaker person unless the weaker person is willing to be helped by helping himself.

For me Sakastic himself, I cannot and will not borrow or give you any money outside or inside of my ‘I don port’ money because I also sweated for it. Nothing is free, everything cost a fee, even in free-town, Seria-lonne.

Fatai! I have offered you advice for free. I can’t again now give you money. Lae lae, it is impossible! A ki n je meji laba Alade! Lae lae! It is an abomination! Bye, bye my regards to Risikatu and the children!"

ff @Imodoye_1 on Twitter

A self-employed Nigeria!

…Kip da Optimism Alive

SAKA: HOW LONG WILL YOU BE A SALARY-EARNER? ARE YOU A LEARNER?

‘Kayode Oyero

“The first principle to be obeyed on the pathway to becoming your own Boss is to throw out the fear of probable loss.” –Olumide Emmanuel, C.E.O, Common Sense Group.

“Goodmorning Uncle Saka.”

“Haa, Fatai! how are you?”

“I’m fine Sir!”

“It’s being quite a while- O to jo meta. You remember that you have an Uncle today, after a very long period of your absential forgetfulness of me.”

“Ojo kan pelu Sir. It’s not like that Sir! It’s just that my hands have been tied lately.”

“Okay, I understand. So, it is after it was untied that you know the way that leads to my house.”

“Sorry Uncle, My apologies.”

“Any way, no problem and how’s Risikatu and the children?”

“They are in good shape Sir!”

“Glory be to the uncreated Creator of heaven and earth.”

“His name be praised.”

“And Fatai, how is work?”

“Uncle Saka, work is just fine!”

“What happened? What is happening? Why just fine? Wetin be the matter?”

“Uncle, work has been going well, but, but, ehmm, ehhm.”

“Fatai! Fatai! Fatai! How many times did I call you- E melo ni mo pe E?"

“It is three times Sir!”

“Fatai, thank God you counted accurately. Stop talking with tongue in cheek. Tug out of your shell. Don’t be like the proverbial snail that over-protectively bury its head in its shell because of the fear of Sunlight. Jewo fun mi- confess now, after all, our people say a lifeless body cannot hide from the person that will perform its burial ritual of purification before it is committed to mother earth. Yes, Oku ki I fara pamo feni to ma a we E. And more importantly, problem shared is problem halved so says Oyinbo people.”

“Ehhm, you see, Uncle, you’re correctly right. The issue that burdens my heart is that my retirement and retrenchment age is fast approaching and encroaching. And the thought that when it comes, I will no longer earn Salary is the beginning of my worry. In fact, it is just unthinkable for me to think that it will come. Uncle Saka, that is all that bothers me.”

 “Alright, Fatai, let me ask some questions.”

“Go ahead Uncle, I’m all ears.”

“Okay, Fatai, how old are you?”

“Uncle Saka, I clocked fifty last April.”

“Okay, that’s right, and many years have you been working this work you have been working?”

“Twenty years Sir!”

“Fatai, thank God you dare did not lie, because alreadily, I know the answers to my questions before I asked them. Abi, sebi I was the only one who carried all your responsibility on this my slump shoulder when we mysteriously lost Papa and Mama in an inexplainable manner?”

“Yes Uncle!”

“Fatai, what is the status of your savings?”

 “Saaayy-vin!”

“Yes, the money you have in the bank.”

“Haaa! Uncle Fatai, sorry that I forgot to inform you of the best celebration of elaboration that ever-happened in the history of our Village!”

“Fatai, what are you talking about- ki lo n so?”

“Uncle, you know April is my birthday month.”

“Yeees, bring me out of the dark jare.”

“And that was the month you travelled to Lagos to perform the ‘I don port deal’.”

“Yeesss, how’s that supposed to affect the money in your bank account.”

“Uncle Saka, eehmm, ehhm, that account is now red.”

“What! Fatai! What happened to the entirety of your life savings? I mean that robust interest-yielding sum that you told me you have been saving for two solid decades?”

“Ehmn, Uncle, you see, I used it to celebrate my fifty years birthday anniversary in grande-style. Yes, in a heaven-and earth-knows manner. Aye gbo, Orun mo!”

“Shut up! I say shut your trap! Again, I say padlock that your stinking dirty and unwisely foolish mouth!”

“Sorry Uncle- E ma binu”

“Shut up! Don’t talk when I am talking. Sorry for yourself. You ignoramus! O ma seun oo! Omo eni O ba j’oni, a bayo- it is good for one’s extention to take after one’s wiseness. I still can’t believe what I heard with my one and half ears. Fatai, you mean you squandered and wasted your entire life-time savings on a nonsensical ordinary one day birthday, all for the sake social glamour? I am disappointedly disappointed in you.”

“It was not ordinary Sir, it was extra-ordinary. In fact, the village Patriarch- Baale promised to coronate me with the title of Amuludun (village welfarist) as a result of the wide feast I made in my name.”

“Fatai! I say shut up! O ya, kneel down on your knees. Abi, no matter how big and grey-haired a child is, he is still a child before his parent and his Elders. You’re truly and really a bush illiterate. When will you wake up from your official foolishness of wasting and lavishing your hard-earned money on frivolities while priorities like having an investment or floating a business is unattended to?

Fatai, from today henceforth, in fact, right now, you need to have an investment mentality and remove that salary-mindset that occupy all the nook and cranies of your mind. Fools waste money, average people spend money while wise people invests money.”

“Fatai, are you a fool?”

“Yes I am.”

“Why are you a fool?”

“Because I wasted money.”

“That is very good! B’omode ba ti mejo E lebi, koni pe lori ikunle- if an accused confesses being guilty, the Judge might necause of his sincerity tamper justice with mercy. O ya, Fatai, by the authority conferred on me as the Olori Ebi (family head), stand up from your knees.”

“Thank you Sir”

“ Fatai, you see whenever money wants to escape your hand, ask yourself if the money will yield more money for you whether on the long or short run. People who have Salary-mindset will find it difficult to become wealthy. Like extremely wealthy. Yes, because, as the money comes, they spend it lackaidaisically without no plan. They live for today and not for tommorrow.

 Fatai, do you have a land in secret whether in Lagos, not necessarily, Ajar or Victoria Island. Even Agege?

“Uncle, No!”

“Do you have shares in any establishment?”

“Uncle, No”

“Fatai, you are a waster. Money wasted is destiny –wasted. That ceremony you say you celebrate when I went hustling at mtn for the production of the ‘I don’t port’ jingle, did it add a kobo to your life?”

“No, Uncle.”

“Fatai, now I know that the spirit of poverty is tormenting you. See, when money gets to your hand, the first thing you must do is to pay the investment bill.”

“Uncle Saka, like how many percent should that be in a month.”

“Ori e ti n pe bo- your brain is becoming charged. At least thirty percent.  See, life is an acrobatic display. If you have today and you don’t invest so that your money will work for you when your bones will be too tired to work, you will lack at your old age. Gather gold before you get old.”

“Okay Sir!”

“Any ways, it is not too late for you to reverse your money-spending mentality and your civil-salary mentality to an investment-mentality. After all, the only biggest room in life is the room for improvement.”

“Okay Sir, but Uncle, what about how to manage and manoeuvre the many risk in entrepreneur?”

“Yes, your brain is no more booting it is now almost completely charged!- O ri E ti n pe bo!

You see, Success in its simplest form is 'the ability to go from one failure to another without loss or diminishing enthusiasm'. No dream is attainable on the platter of no obstacle and disappointments. You need to know that disappointments come before ground-shaking appointments. You see, you must firstly appease disappointments which can be likened to an unwilling secretary in order for you to gain access to the willing Boss which appointment, in this case success. When you start you own business, you must not go weary in the face of challenges. You must forge ahead and be ditamiiiinned like Kano Nwankwo.

Finally, finally, Fatai, put this one I am about to tell you in your left palm so that you will not eat with it. Know that persistence is the only resistance to failure! Don’t because of say you may record loss, now kill the opportunity to become your own Boss, your own Oga patapata. The future is cheap when you buy it today. Spend money on necessities not needs.”

“Uncle, what are needs and what are necessities?”

“Abere ona ki i sina- he who seek direction from the right source stands a little chance of being misled. Fatai, needs are those things you can do without. For example, exorbitant wristwatch and clothings and other fanciful ornaments like gold, diamond, silver, diamond, and many other objects of glamour. And for necessities, they are things you can’t survive with. Chiefs among them are moderately modest clothing, food, and shelter.”

“I seeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

“Fatai, don’t be like that prodigal son in the Bible. Leave prosperity for your posterity and your children. Don’t leave them in poverty.”

“Thank you Uncle Saka. I brought this Agege bread as a token of appreciation”

“What! what an insult? Do you know how much mtn paid me for that ‘I don port’ jingle?” (O.J.O |09, 13)

…Kip da Optimism Alive

SAKA: THIS BOARDROOM NO BE YOUR BEDROOM!

‘Kayode Oyero

“When in Rome, put away the attitude of home. For in Rome, your sole business is ‘busyness’.” –O.J.O

"Honey, that guy is loaded.”

“Yeeeeees Sweatheart! He’s not only loaded but thoughtfully intelligent.”

“I remember you said he said something like if you are loaded, you’ll be needed.”

“Isn’t he right? After all, my firm needed and hired him ‘cos he is loaded.”

“Hmmn, no wonder you said he spoke with insightful brilliance! Do you know the discipline he had studied at the University?”

“I know not.”

“What about the University where he had studied?

“UNISELF”

“What is UNISELF?”

“University of Self!”

“Where is it located? I would like to enroll Junior there when he grows.”

“Woman! Enough of your question and answer section! I need some oxygen.”

“Ooouch! Your words are hurtful. You have no listening ear. You’re such a military man. I’ll not talk to you again.”

“Sweatheart, it’s not like that. Just that I’m too exhausted to be engaged in your engaging never-ending interrogative interview. But don’t worry, for the sake of my food, I have what can answer all your questions.”

“What?”

“My phone-A mp3 audio record. It captured all he had lectured during the workers’ empowerment seminar. I had placed my phone very close to the public address system in order to immortalize his words. ”

“That’s partially thoughtful of you. Your sense of reasoning can be reasonable at times.”

“I’ll do as if I don’t hear that.” He shields his disgust for her statement slidding his screen touch-sensitive phone. And in a less fraction of a second, the phone’s miniature speaker blares:

Hello Ladies and gentlemen! My name is Saka. I’m a talented capacity builder and a business strategist. I’m her today to drill and acquaint all of you to the principles of a disciplined work-ethics. I have done that before and I shall continue to do it till I leave this mtn.

Revealingly, gone were those days of yore when C.E.O of big-big companies, yes, Corporate Executive Officers of large-large organisations like our own mtn, gone be those days wey dey reel in satisfaction of the ‘burekete’ turnout made in just ended months.

But before I continue, I’ll like to burst your bubble by telling you that virtually all corporate oga at the top of organizations now enrol to be under the mentoring and monitoring of people like me wey be business educators. This be the current culture especially in a dispensation witnessing the sprouting of many, many and a lot of sagacious motivational coach like Olumide Emmanuel, Sam Adeyemi, Muyiwa Afolabi and plenty plenty others of my colleagues that we are together inside this business of motivation

Unarguably, the desire to maximise productivity and to further enlarge their company' sack of profit informs their decision to subscribe to our business tutorials.

Paradoxically, the month of January being the first page of every year is universally expected to en-robe the faces of employees with smiles of fortune resulting from promotion. But, something painfully painful and unfortunate be say the year-opener month is one that often serves some deserving staffers their waterloo. Yes waterloo! Na misfortune be the meaning.

No dey surprise if mtn sack some of you who are still currently employed employers at the end of this month. You know this is another brand new year and month. And as you know new year, new system, new month, new system. I see say some of you don dey look at me like say I be a pessimist or a prophet of doom. I beg your pardon. This is a new month. A month of revisitation of the previous month's performance! Make I tell all of you, I eavesdrop when some of our ogas at the top saying sack letters is a thing of inevitability this year. That was when they were brainstorming to consider to sign my ‘I don port deal’. And you know like a premonition, dey know say dey go loose plenri Subscribers during the porting regime. That was the reason why dey enticed me with unrefusable millions in the first place, so that I can save their impending loss with my charismatic reputation. Don’t say I tell you ooo!

Eehn ehen, let us continue, akoko O ba wa s’ore- time is no longer befriending us. Though, my major reason here is to earn money, you know nothing is free even in freetown, Serria lone. Everything cost a fee especially one’s survival in this part of the world called Lagos. But because I am conscience-conscious, I’ll not forget to feed you with some morsel of truth before I leave.

You see, how can one justify the productivity of a staff whose office lifestyle is to resume duty at eight in the morning, gist about Linda Ikeji’s blog with birds-of-the-same-feathers friends till nine, comment on all manner and all sorts of pictures and posts on facebook, tweet for hours all in the name of interspersing work with a little distraction. And as if that one is not enough, pings intermittently for heaven knows, goes for an hour break, discusses all manner of frivolities in gossips with colleagues of same feathers. And finally, finally, at the closing hour, off the door with no singularly identified task done for the day!

Now, look at my korokoro eye with your korokoro eye and tell me if assuming you’re the boss of the staff portrayed above, would you wait for the outcome of an appraisal before you shoo such employee away? NO. capital Enn Oooo, NO!

Better still, would you retain such lackadaisical and un-conscientious personnel if economic crunch is about to cripple your company and for you to save the situation, you now embark on downsizing your work-force? Certainly NO.

For all you as an employee to be all-time valuable and indispensable, you must continually add value to the betterment of your organization- in this case, mtn. You have to operate at a level where you are irreplaceable, be it by the dynamism of technology or substituted by a more-equipped person. You have to be indispensable if you don’t want joblessness to recruit you.

You can't afford to be a liability on mtn this month and forever more.

C'mon, I can hear asset inherent in you crying for a productive explosion. Thus, ready to give strength to the financial muscle of your outfit. In this case, our company: mtn

Give me your ear and listen very well, if you know you do more than you're being paid for, don't despair, it won't be long when you'd be paid more than you do.

Your individual Ogas at the top may pretends as if he does not see you, he might even intentionally not accord recognition to your 'self-acclaimed concerted efforts'. Don't because of that relax the tempo of your hardwork because your tomorrow Success, promotion in all your case is an accumulation of your yesterday and today’s hard work and diligence.

Let me brighten your hope with this secret: those Ogas at the top are Conservatives, they are pretenders with no contender. It is not habitual of them to praise-sing their impressive employees or subordinates but that doesn’t mean you are not under their tacit watch. Their well-done comes in form of recommendation for promotion. You know as the popular saying goes that commendation precedes recommendation. It is after they have silently and quietly commended you that they recommend you as eligible for promotion.

For all of you who make the boardroom your bedroom, repent now or else, or else.

Yoruba people get one proverb. they say: Abo Oro la n so fun Omoluabi….. –A potent word need not to be lengthy.

Eni ba leti, ko gbo ­– He who hath ear make you hear even as you:

…Kip da Optimism Alive

DEAR YOU; GROAN NO MORE. THE THRONE IS YOURS!- 2

Catch episode One here: www.syllogisticcorner.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-you-groan-no-more-throne-is-yours.html?m=1


 DY; GNM. TTIY! EPISODE 2

‘KayodeOyero


“In moments of tension; when imprisoned in the detention of hardship; when no one gives attention and the turf unbearably rough and tough, worry less, dark times are never forever.Every rain of pain comes with trains of gain. ‘Every Good Thing Will Come’.” –O.J.O


JOY SPREADS OVERTLY ACROSS HIS FACE. Kunle smiles terrifyingly in a way that the thin slice of flesh that covers his cheekbone almost tear apart. His spirit high like that caused by an intake of Marijuana. The morning is exceptional. It flourishes with renewed possibility of a brighter tomorrow. The message notification not only rejuvenates his dying hope, but also gives him more than an ounce conviction that the word ‘faith’ exists beyond the scope of a Dictionary. It reinforces his belief of the possibility of a better tomorrow. And like a Phoenix re-born from its ashes, he glistens anew with the hope of seeing himself move from the basement of squalor to the magnificent tower of splendor.


Though, he had concluded in the pre-who-wants-to-be-a-Millionaire hours of his life, in the height of enormous anguish that his prolonged stay in poverty was glaring enough an evidence that providence had no earthly smile to beam on him. But in his present state of elation: an unbelievable recovery from despair, he transports himself mentally to the comfort he anticipates from his coming new world. Aworld hinged on the excellence of his performance during the contest. A world with which its realization rests on a sole condition: the leniency of magistrate Luck.


In his enraptured state, he looks up, his eyes shooting in the direction of a circular clock angling on a piece of Tornado nailed on the wall obviously by a past occupant. He could see the short hand straddling between Seven and Eight and the long hand resting briefly on Six. ‘Half past Seven’ he silently interprets to be the time. He abandons the bed standing to his feet. His hands swing up and down as he greets the heavens with wordless halleluyahs showing an attitude of gratitude. His soles stuck, right in the coldness of the nude floor. He desires warmth. Perhaps a tea of coffee or a water-heated bath he thinks remembering how he had seen people do in movies.

*****


THE ROAD TEEMS. It cries with screeches of car horns. Vehicles line up bumper to bumper waiting to receive commands from traffic lights, a compliance molded not really by a sense of sheer obedience but for the fear of not being guilty of a fine. But in complicated scenarios, the wheels resort to the manual traffic directives of traffic warders who sweat it out clearing the road with short top-rounded black sticks.


Asides the sing-song of vehicles and Bus-conductors wooing Passengers guiding them into their moving house with elbowed hands, clatter of shining shoes also sing in unmelodious spasm stamping tarred roads in a hurry attempt to get to work before the conventional resumption time of Eight.Skirts and Trousers scurry from one part of the earth to another in an endless search of daily bread: the Created fulfilling an eternal all-obeying curse of the Creator.


Kids walk with relunctance going to school. The seeming endless spectacle of these uniformed wards whose soft palms interlock the firm hold of their mothers or guardians escorting them to School by foot parades everywhere. Strapped on their backs are cottage-sized bags with multitude of colour elements. The bags carry fascinating sketchy designson its exterior ranging from spider-man to batman and the amusing television foursomes of the Tele-tubbies.


‘The traffic must have build-up.’Kunle voices with sharp precision. A presumption based on his familiarity with the road obtainables in Eko O niBaje City. He yawns stretching out his arms as though a snail tugging outside its shell.

*****


“A BEG, MAK D PERSIN WEY DEY INSIDE DO QUICK. Owuro loja-Na morning be market!” nagged adunni, Kunle’s right door neighbor. With towel wrapped from breast level, slightly exposing her cleavages to the sensuous skin immediately after her buxom buttock, Adunni stands in the fifteenth position on the snake-like queue impatiently waiting to take turn into the bathroom. Dark and dazzling is Adunni. Her breast assumes a cone shape with pointed nipple to match-a feast for masculine eyes. Her radiance beams glowingly not betraying that of a virgin in the flush of her youth when beauty is unmistakably natural. Her beauty fascinates her to an overwhelming number of men.


Kunle had earlier tried his luck with her in the days when his misery was young. In preparation for a flawless proposal, he had rehearsed and perfectly memorized all Shakespearean love lines before making an approach. But to his utter dismay, Adunni spurned all of his pestering no matter how hard he pestles juicing words with the ‘sweetest’ of rhymes. Adunni’s refusal of his amorous advances poured a fatal blow on his maleness making him think he is romantically deficient. But little did it hit Kunle’s knowledge that ‘who-has-what’ emerges winner in the politics of contemporary love, one of which is Adunni’s. Kunle seems not to know that most ladies’ interpretation of wanting ‘a responsible man’ is a man whose bank account is fat enough to take-up their financial responsibilities without grudge or complain since it’s being said that taking up responsibility is a sign of being responsible. He had in his failure lamented the spate at which material muscle has become a pre-requisite to win a lady’s heart.


‘These girls have no sense of the word: futuristic. A guy with television interests them than promising Ones with vision like me.’ He had said conclusively connoting television with money and vision with prospect.


A fruitless Banana tree sheds a part of the backyard. They stand alert beside water-filled buckets shifting it forward once the One In front enters the bathroom. The bathroom, a ceiling-less cubicle constructed with rusty corrugated iron sheets shields anyone performing the act of purification from prying eyes. Beside it is a fly-doused bucket latrine.


To defecate, they climb an elevated stand decked with sturdy planks. On the surface is a circular opening through which molten magma descends into a fairly large metal pail. The aluminum pail with its curve handleis periodically collected by waste collectors depending on the level of ‘food’ it receives from the occupants. Notably, the evacuation ritual is performed daily on weekends but less frequent on week days.


A rump roars infusing the air around the yard with its foul, a pungent stench in the like that of rotten egg.


‘Wu b dat sef wey no fit find beta place discard his rotten rectum?’ articulates a husky half-literate voice from amidst the queue. His use of ‘rotten rectum’ suggests he has little knowledge of good English language.


‘Tru tru. d persin stomak don rotin.’ rants another man reinforcing the position of the former as he raises his right thumb and index fingers to shrink his nostril so as to avoid a further invasion of the smell into his system. And while they express their displeasures over what seems to them an un-courteous release of the offensive odour, an improvised door spined with tiny woods and canopied with corrugated iron sheet squeaks open before them. Papa Julius rolls his pot belly out of the toilet. He clangs the door shut turning a curved nail screwed in the right bar of the latrine in front of the door. He then curves his left index wiping off beads of sweat around his face. Tranquility reigns. Lips dare not part.


Respectful silence greets the yard like the appearance of a Boss for the fear of Papa Julius is the beginning of wisdom for them.


‘A beg wetin Chelsea and Gunners play yesterday’ he asks a matted moustache man occupying the eighteenth position on the queue. The young man obviously a football enthusiast holds a copy of a soccer tabloid, complete sports.


‘Na 2-1.’The man, Obinna by name answers vaguely not specifying who has 2 and who has 1.His blue customized sport wear tells of his allegiance to Chelsea football club. His tongue had not secreted yet another slurp of saliva when he subtly probes:


‘Julius Agahowa, wetin happen, you no com field yesterday.’ His tone carrying respect and genuine concern at the unappearance of Papa Julius popularly called Julius Agahowa on the field, a viewing centre.


‘Ha, yesterday! I go enjoy myself for Eden. I no fit count aw many 17:59 (Guinness stout) wey enta my belle. A fellow of the bar hammer a jackiporrtu (stressing the word jackpot) from ‘golden chance’ lotto yesterday. And you know say I no fit allow d fun to pasimi byyyy (pass me by).’ Tendered Papa Julius as he shoves away in a who-will-ask-me manner discontinuing the conversation. Eden being a popular Calabar-runned restaurant in Isale-Eko (downtown Lagos).


Astonished, the people on the queue search one another’s eye. Papa Julius’ unprecedented cheer and amiable attitude caught many by surprise as he is fond of wearing the no-nonsense faceof a Dictator. He ‘hires’ and ‘fires’ tenants on the instruction of his sentiments.

*****


KUNLE REMEMBERS LITTLE OF THE PREVIOUS DAY’S ORDEAL. Happiness seems to have evaporated all of his misery. He un-trousers himself, making a piece of dark blue boxers short the only surviving garment on him. Mild odour fills the room. A part of his boxers short is prominent on a slight introspection. Dried milky male seedling thickens the manhood area of the short. He disgusts it. And in his irritation got out of it, he then wraps his nakedness with a towel. He knots the upper edge of the towel making it firmly but lightly tightened around his hips. And with chest encased in a black singlet, he reaches for his sponge case. While the lower chamber of the case houses his butter-coloured shrub-like sponge, the upper apartment shelters his tooth brush and aflat half-exhausted rectangle-sized sachet containing chloride paste.


Hastily, he spreads a paltry amount of the paste directly on the left side of his tooth brush stuffing it almost immediately in his mouth. He begins rinsing, moisturizing his teeth with his saliva. He knows cock-sure that the queue at the yard will by now be contesting with that on the road. Quickly, he reaches for his one and only surviving bucket positioned by the left side of the closed door, a location that changes as ‘behind’ anytime the door swings open. He had come into the yard with three cone-shaped metal pails, but de-robed of two in the dawn of his residence in the house. That was in the days of yore when he was not yet customaryto the realities in the yard. For as a norm, possessions are in best safety kept in individual’s room no matter how domestic it is. Pilfering and stealing rules the day.


Kunle progresses to the door. He takes up his pail with a tip of a finger about to make for the well.A strange feeling hijacks his mind. It is rather unexpected. It imports something like a premonition signaling that something ominous lies ahead. Something he’d find out in a second or two; something capable of escalating fear into terror. And as he unbolts the door comes the critical moment.


A creature like a cold-arrested cat bundles right in front of his doorpost burying its head in between its knees. Sex unknown, the creature sits on the cold cemented floor of the passage right in front of his threshold. Kunle’s heart races causing it to palpitate swiftly as his tension rise. He rubs his eyes in disbelief. He seems petrified like a rat mesmerized by a snake about to swallow it.


Things fall apart when the ensnarled creature springs up revealing its identity. Kunle is shocked to the marrow. And like a culprit caught in the act, his face is expressionless. He allows wry surprise to register itself in him by raising his bushy eyebrows. And letting them stay like that for some seconds. Bewilderment makes him indecisive to think about the next line of action. An invisible chain handcuffs his feet to the earth beneath him. Going in seems an impossible option so as going out. He wilts casting his face downward in guilt and shame. No escape-root. Before him is his Tormentor.


Mama Risi stands indefatigable like a rock.Her eyeball is as deadly as an eagle’s talon. Kunle is caught unawares!


WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?


FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN A SIZZLING EPISODE 3 OF DY; GNM. TTIY!


THANKS FOR READING………


UNTIL THEN;

…Kip da Optimism Alive